Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
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I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?