Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
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I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Stop it! 😂
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I have never related to a cat more
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I am crying
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.