Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
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I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”