Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
You Might Also Like
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Good boy 😂😂
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
*has no idea what a book even is*
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?