My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
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My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
sigh
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I don’t get marriage
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s