[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
You Might Also Like
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
My dog ate my work from home.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it