Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
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If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I identify as an antique shop.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.