BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
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I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.