Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
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My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Girl, same.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.