If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
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The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
The little toadstool has spoken.
i- i did not expect this
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life