*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
The booster protects against what, now?
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that