If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
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*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
how to have fun when you’re poor
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.