how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
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ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?