No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
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Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Seals are just dog mermaids.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood