I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
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Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?