Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
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So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy