It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
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A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people