Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
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H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
multitasking lunch
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.