Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
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wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.