I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
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“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)