Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
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Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Meowchelangelo