My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
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I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
New Tinder profile.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.