if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
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TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken