A bad analogy is like a cucumber
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I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Ah..makes sense now
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn