[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
You Might Also Like
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink