IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
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BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again