My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
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Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
*me flirting
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
This could’ve been an email.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo