What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
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Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.