i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
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Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.