Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
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I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Squirrel having fun.. 😅