Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
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[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
the #horror is real!
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar