“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
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*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485