if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
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Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute