Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
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My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds