Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
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I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay