[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
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I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
wish me luck lads
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
🤣dope
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate