Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
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what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
The days of good grammer has went
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?