I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
You Might Also Like
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
the Monday after daylight savings
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.