Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
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Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.