where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
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My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
The point of your 20s
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.