The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
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When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom