*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
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He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.