My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
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Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I feel seen