Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
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Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register