Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
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[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow