At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
You Might Also Like
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here