Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
You Might Also Like
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
When your man makes a valid point
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
The internet is magic sometimes.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test