HERE’S MARKY
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the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
S M O L
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Tell me you get it…🤣
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.