Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
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do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.