Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
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Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*